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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30028752">The crash after the high (hits harder every time)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idjit_01/pseuds/Idjit_01'>Idjit_01</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Author Is Sleep Deprived, COVID-19, Depression, Domestic Avengers, Eating Disorders, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I don't think it's as dark as it sounds, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Sad Peter Parker, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, but it is sad, vent fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:46:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,566</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30028752</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idjit_01/pseuds/Idjit_01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter's been isolating due to covid-19. When he sees his friends again he feels better for a while, but crashes hard when he gets back to the compound. The Avengers try to take care of him and even though it helps, it's not enough.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Peter Parker &amp; Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>83</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The crash after the high (hits harder every time)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Peter gets to the compound he is so blissful he feels like nothing could ever bring him down again.</p><p>The sun's been shining bright all afternoon, but it's not warm enough to stop wearing a sweater or a jacket over the usual wear.</p><p>After almost a year of fighting crime behind the shadows, washing himself twice as hard before and after going out, wearing mask upon mask and avoiding having to touch or breath around the criminals he fights as much as usual, he's finally gotten himself an afternoon to spend with Ned and MJ and Harry.</p><p>An afternoon without crime, or scrubbing himself until he can't tell the difference between his flesh and the suit, or about constantly worrying over every single thing.</p><p>He's flying so high he can almost forget how badly his grades have dropped, or how doing anything besides putting people behind bars feels like a heavy chore, or how he's living in the compound because Aunt May hasn't left the hospital for over five minutes in months and, therefore, arranged for Mr. Stark to take care of him.</p><p>Peter is so high on the endorphins of spending time with his friends again that when he finds himself sitting on the toilet contemplating his raw, skin-broken hands and he can't find a reason not to shove them down his throat or hit them against cement until he can see bone, the fall is so deep he can't breathe for a few minutes.</p><p>It's not like the compound's cold or anything. In fact, the moment he gets home he's greeted with one of those rare nights where a few of the Avengers are lounging in the living room eating pizza and watching a movie.</p><p>"Hey, Peter!" Steve greets him the moment he got in his peripheral vision, "how was your day?"</p><p>"It was great, thanks," he answers. </p><p>Immediately after, Nat offers him pop corn and he jumps to the opportunity to snuggle between her and Thor.</p><p>So when halfway across the movie his mood starts to drop, he thinks he's just tired. He hadn't socialized with anyone in a while, so it's understandable. When he starts to remember every single detail of how he behaved, every single word he said too loud or too cocky or too corny or too self-depricating, he blames it on the insecurity that comes with isolating one self.</p><p>But when Natasha leans into him, and whispers, "hey, hey. Peter. What's wrong?", and he can barely hear her because of the noise inside his head he knows <em>why</em> he doesn't do this anymore; <em>being human, normal</em>; keeping up with his "Peter" Life structure besides the Spider-Man one.</p><p>He excuses himself and rush to the bathroom and suddenly he doesn't feel so light anymore, because he doesn't know how much pop corn he's eaten and he hasn't gone on patrol or exercised or he hasn't done anything that gives him value anymore now that he doesn't get good grades anymore.</p><p>Embarrassment starts to spread through e very corner of him mind and he knows his friends appreciate him, but maybe it wouldn't make a difference if he didn't hang out with his friends, maybe he just annoys and confuses them.</p><p>And when Peter starts to doubt everything, starts to doubt Tony's kindness and Natasha's concern and the enjoyment of his friends, and himself as a person, he starts to feel so <em>bad</em> it feels like the downfall of such a high isn't even worth it.</p><p>He's puts his fingers in his mouth, massaging his throat, but only manages to gag a few times and spit a small string of bile and saliva before a knock on the door bothers him and he starts to panic.</p><p>Throwing up has barely served it's purposed, has barely made it all quiet nor helped him feel the profound calmness that settles in him after he's done.</p><p>"Kiddo? Everything alright in there?"</p><p>It's Tony, which doesn't even <em>make sense</em>, because he wasn't with the rest of the Avengers watching the movie.</p><p>He quickly cleans his hands and his mouth and flushes the toilet, clearing his throat before opening the door with a big, weak smile.</p><p>"Yup, everything's awesome, Mr. Stark. Where you waiting to use to bathroom or-", and that's a really stupid question, which they both know, because if the Stark Tower Lacks something it's definitely not bathrooms. "Is there a mission or- ?"</p><p>Tony furrows his brows and lays a hand on his shoulder. Peter flinches, but Tony only tightens his grip and smiles.</p><p>"You were gone a long time. You are gonna miss the ending."</p><p>Peter smiles back and wants to say something but saliva is pooling in his mouth, as it always does when he tries to bring everything back up, and he doesn't want to spit in Tony's face. </p><p>So he pretends to yawn and follows Tony until he's plastered between him and Thor again.</p><p>He doesn't know what the movie's about and doesn't even try to understand it. The dialogue serves as background noise and even though it makes him sleepy he doesn't allow himself to doze off. He feels too sad and tired to sleep. He also really doesn't want to wake up again.</p><p>Even though he tries not to sleep, his eyelids feel heavy and suddenly the screen is off and Natasha is humming something with his feet on her lap.</p><p>"I'm worried about him," is saying Tony in the background. "He hasn't left except for patrol in months and when he finally does the first thing I hear from him is Jarvis warning him that he's-"</p><p>"We're all worried," interrupts Banner, "but there's nothing we can do. We can't <em>make him</em> get help. We <em>can't</em> make him talk."</p><p>"Come on, green. You've got, what, seven PhDs and that's all you have to say?", Tony snaps. "You just want to give up?"</p><p>"<em>Tony</em>," says Rhodes then. "You know how it is. When you were off with drugs and alcohol you wouldn't listen to anyone either, you-"</p><p>And then there's hushed voices and Nat clears her throat and then there's footsteps and he knows he can't pretend to be asleep because they already know. He's not even sure if Natasha just stayed quiet for so long to let him know that<em> they know</em>.</p><p>Whether as a warning to be more careful, that he's being such a drama queen that everyone is noticing, or to say that they're there for him, Peter can't tell.</p><p>He opens his eyes slowly as he gets a reassuring squeeze in his hand before he's freed from Natasha's grip.</p><p>"Sleep well?" Tony asks.</p><p>Peter blinks owlishly until his brain catches up with the fact <em>he won't be confronted</em> and tries to produce a small smile.</p><p>"You missed the ending," Tony says then, and Peter can't help but feel guilty and wonder whether he imagined the reproachful tone or not. "Was not that good, anyways."</p><p>Peter nods and yawns. "Well, off to bed, kiddo. I don't want any insects on my sofa past their bedtime."</p><p>The joke lands flat. Peter grimaces in second-hand embarrassment. He's exhausted but he really doesn't want to sleep right now. He's done to many things wrong and if he sleeps, he'll wake up and have the opportunity to fail again. He's so tired. </p><p>He nods again and goes to the bathroom, cursing inwardly when he hears Tony hover behind the door to make sure he doesn't continue with what he was trying to do earlier.</p><p>When he opens the door, Tony feigns innocence. He smirks and tells him about how he wants him to help him in the lab the next day.</p><p>By the time he finds himself tucked in in bed Tony hasn't left yet.</p><p>He smiles at Peter and makes as if to kiss his forehead, but frowns and takes it back last minute. He squeezes Peter's hand, though, and turns off the lights. </p><p>Before leaving the room he turns around and talks to the darkness. "Peter?"</p><p>"Yeah?" Peter croaks.</p><p>"You know you can talk to me, right? About <em>anything."</em></p><p>"Sure," answers Peter. He has to bite his tongue to not add <em>dad</em> at the end of the sentence. "Thanks, Mr. Stark."</p><p>"Sure," parrots Tony. He closes the door. </p><p>Peter listens to him walk away and thinks of doing something to make up for his mistakes of the day, but he's still cringing and tired and his chest hurts and he really doesn't want to deal with anything right now.</p><p>He closes his eyes. As his thoughts start to drift away he fights to stay awake, dreading sleep as he knows Tony still does any kind of alien-form or mention of the battle of New York.</p><p>He thinks about May, and how he really needs to call her, to make sure she's okay, but he's tired and people are difficult to talk to.</p><p>He closes his eyes, and as he guilt and embarrassment and <em>sadness</em> clouds his mind he starts to count to clear it all away.</p><p>One, two, three, four. Five, six, seven, eight. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve...</p><p>And as he drifts away he doesn't think anything of the faint conversations coming down the hall or the pacing around a few floors down. He doesn't think of food or mistakes or the meaning to anything.</p><p>Everything gets fuzzy and he wishes it could always be that way.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is just me projecting into Peter. Things are hard. But everyone's struggling, so...</p><p>I hope you're doing okay and doing the best you can to take care of yourselves. Don't be afraid to ask for help~</p><p>If you want to support me with a comment or a kudos, I'd appreciate it. Thanks for reading:)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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